Last time I ran an 8-week programme, the average weight loss was between 8 and 10kg. But more than that, these lot were more muscular, stronger, and generally felt a million fucking miles better.

I can’t guarantee you’ll get the same results, of course. You could sign up, block me on every platform, and do fuck all - in which case, you’re not going to get much in terms of results.

But stick to the programme, get involved, and crack on, and you’ll be stunned by the person looking back at you in the mirror in 8 week’s time.

And, if it helps, you’ve got 7 days to test the app out and decide if it’s for you. If not, I’ll refund 100% of your money.

Oh, because I’m such a big deal now, you mean?

Well I looked into hiring a lookalike off Gumtree, but all the little people are booked out on leprechaun gigs this time of year. So yeah, you’re stuck with me, I’m afraid.

I’ll also be roping in a few friends and experts too though, to make sure I can give you as much value as possible. Katy’s agreed to help too, seeing as she’s actually training to be a psychologist (so knows what makes us tick), but it’s me you’re getting access to, not some secret assistant I’ve got locked in my wardrobe.

Absolutely not.

Don’t get me wrong, if you know your way around the gym, you’re obviously going to pick things up quicker than a complete newbie, but newbie gains are something every experienced lifter is jealous of.

Plus I’m literally filming every single exercise, so you can’t get it wrong - even if you don’t know your dumbbell from your treadmill.

 I prefer “strawberry blonde”… but yes. It’s certainly not a fucking choice.

Rather than dish out a bunch of regimented meal plans, I’m going to actually educate you on the nutrition side of things, so you can eat the foods that fit around your lifestyle.

And while the training plans aren’t completely bespoke, I’ve got 6+ plans for you to choose from, meaning whatever your focus, I’ve got you covered.

If you’ve any injuries or you’re missing half your toes, you’ll have a choice of 2 substitutions on each exercise, meaning you can adapt where you need to. Plus you can always drop me a line if you’re stuck.

This is one question I actually do always get asked tbf. The short answer is “no”.

But since I’m looking to help you pile on muscle, not just lose weight, you’re going to need to shift some tin. So if you’ve got some dumbbells and barbells at home, you’ll be set. But if all you’ve got is a 4kg kettlebell from Aldi and an old Wii Fit balance board, you’re going to struggle.